This is the face of a woman who is proud of herself for completing a 30 minute workout. At the time this picture was taken, my heart and head hadn’t told my face that.
(I’m not a fan of filters, but I reserve the right to use one when overhead fluorescents are involved and make me look like I haven’t slept in 3-5 business days.)
A 30 minute workout might not seem like a big deal to most people, but it was a very big deal to me. That was the first workout I’ve done in public in years despite the fact that I’ve had a membership to that facility for almost a year. Every time I thought about going, I got overwhelmed thinking about how far I have to go to get back to where I was the last time I was working out in a gym. I got frustrated that I couldn’t just go back and pick up where I left off. This 30 minutes was an acknowledgement that I was starting over. It was proof that I could choose to live with an “all or something” mindset, rather than the perfectionist’s “all or nothing” trap I’d been living in.
Today was my second workout. My workouts weren’t on consecutive days like I wanted and tried to do. I went to the gym yesterday, but after driving there, seeing the equipment I needed was in use, waiting around while trying not to look like a lurker, then leaving to run an errand only to come back to see the SAME people on the machines, I ran out of time and had to leave. I was so discouraged and frustrated because I tried but failed.
I was so irritated by what felt like a waste of time and effort that I almost didn’t go back today. This afternoon, I didn’t feel like going, but I still put on my workout clothes and shoes. I waivered, thinking about the annoyance of the missed workout and what-some-might-call-pouting about how this should have been day 3, then it occurred to me that yesterday’s events led me to make a decision to do something I hadn’t done in a long time.
I showed up for myself.
I showed up for ME. Twice, in fact – first, in going to the gym yesterday to start with, then going back after my time-killing errand.
When I realized that’s what had happened, I made the conscious choice to push past the fear of being disappointed again (read: failing) and go regardless of the result, because even if the machine-monopolizers were there again, I owed it to myself to try whether I felt like it or not. As I walked out the door, I felt a literal bounce in my step that I haven’t felt in a long time because that moment was about more than just a workout.
I’m pleased to report that the equipment was free today. I spent my workout listening to worship music and watching the reflection in the window because some hulking masochist had walked in and made a beeline to use the stair machine behind me.
Can we take a moment here? Like, who just does that? I mean, what has to transpire in the moments that lead up to someone looking at that thing and saying, “yep, this is a solid idea”? Even at my healthiest, even when I loved working out, I gave that thing a wide berth and rebuked the spirit of the torment every time I passed it. You ain’t getting me with that, Satan. I digress.
In addition to concerning myself with the mental welfare of the Hulk on his stairway to heaven back there, I spent part of today’s 33 minutes thinking about these two workouts and how these small steps were a sign of significant growth that I hadn’t been aware of. I had been too focused on the challenges around me to notice the deep work happening within me when, in fact, it’s those very challenges that have produced that deep work.
God’s funny that way. He’ll take us to school without ever telling us we’re in class. When the test comes, we may find we’re better prepared than we thought. Everything we’ve learned through the circumstances leading up to it has taught us important lessons about surviving, maybe even thriving during difficult seasons. Like having to start over on my wellness journey or my thwarted workout attempt, circumstances may not look or feel like we think they should, but those undesirable situations could be the homework we didn’t know we needed to teach us to keep showing up for ourselves even when we don’t feel like it.
Like most teachers, God rarely us asks how we feel about our homework. Never at any point in this process of teaching me how and why I need to start showing up for myself has God asked me how I feel about what He is asking me to do. It’s not because He doesn’t care how we feel. It’s because He wants us to move towards Him in faith rather than follow our fickle feelings, wherever they may lead us. That’s definitely for the best because, in my case, my feelings wouldn’t lead me to most of the places He’s asked me to go, and certainly not to the inside of a gym.
Oh, and those 3 extra minutes on today’s workout? I did those just to prove to myself that I could.
I’d love to hear some of the ways that you have chosen to show up for yourself, so drop them in the comments!
Until next time,
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