Trigger warning: this post contains information about mental illness, specifically depression, anxiety, and suicide.
I had every intention of posting this in May, during Mental Health Awareness Month, but…life. Despite being late to the party, I’m going to post it anyway in hopes that someone will read this and find some comfort in knowing, even though things may be dark, maybe sometimes even a little hopeless, they’re not the only one who feels or has felt this way. Depression and anxiety have a way of distorting your thoughts, making you feel like you’re alone and that no one else wants to be bothered by your problems. Pro tip: depression and anxiety are liars. Really. Good. Liars. Believe me, I’ve been there.
There have been days when I have cried over everything. And nothing. Sometimes in the same day.
There have been days when I didn’t want to talk to anyone, so I pushed away people who cared and days when I was so desperate to keep from being alone that I pulled in people who hurt me.
There have been times when I have felt completely alone in a room full of people I love and times when I have experienced overwhelming love in the presence of One.
There have been times when the pain was a powerful motivator and times when numbing was the only way I could keep going.
There have been days I couldn’t get out of bed and there have been nights when even my dreams betrayed my peace.
There have been days when I celebrated how amazing my life is and there was a night when I didn’t think my life was worth living at all.
Yet, by the grace of God, the divine intervention of my mother, and the miracle of modern medicine (yes, medicine), I’m still here, sharing some pretty intimate details of what I’ve experienced due to mental illness and cumulative trauma.
This will, no doubt, make some people uncomfortable, but I’ve finally accepted I’m not responsible for making anyone comfortable with my story, even those who have had a hand in shaping it. Telling my story isn’t for them. I share my story for people who may not be ready to tell their own story but find solace in knowing they’re not alone or who need to see hope that the dark times don’t have to define them.
This isn’t a pep talk, nor is this the pseudo-Christian response to mental illness and times of trial: have more faith, pray harder, stop sinning…you see where I’m going with this. This isn’t me telling anyone “God never gives us more than we can handle,” because you won’t find that in the Bible. Frankly, He has a history of giving or allowing more than we can handle by ourselves, and it’s not because we didn’t pray enough or have enough faith. It wasn’t a lack of faith that led to Job, a man the Bible called “blameless and upright”, losing his kids and his livelihood, then being falsely accused by his friends and spurned by his wife. The apostle Paul wasn’t beaten, jailed, and martyred because he didn’t pray hard enough. As much as we’d like to have answers for ourselves or for others, we don’t always get to know why things happen the way they do.
What I can say without a doubt is that God’s love, grace, and faithfulness have gotten me through my most hopeless moments even when it felt like He had completely abandoned me; I’d go so far to say especially when it felt like He had abandoned me. Isaiah 43:2 says “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Notice it says “when” we walk through the water, not “if”. When. Suffering is part of being human and, while we suffer in different ways, no one is exempt.
That leads me to my next point: leaning into God in our midnight hours doesn’t magically make everything better. God isn’t a genie. He’s not Alexa, Siri, or Google, so He doesn’t do everything we ask Him to do when we ask Him to do it. In fact, in my experience, despite my overthought-out suggestions, He rarely does what I ask Him to do when I ask Him to do it, in the way I’d like for Him to do it. As frustrating as that has been (and still is), I have to be grateful for that. Looking back on some of the ridiculous stuff I’ve prayed for…yikes. Let’s just say I’m better off for Him withholding what I thought I wanted so that He could give me what I needed, even though it didn’t feel like that in the moment.
It may feel like God is far off and you’re alone, but you’re not. God sees all of it and He is right there with you. Psalm 56:8 assures us, ”You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” You may be in a place of such despair that it feels like your problems aren’t big enough to go to God with or that prayer won’t matter, but I promise it matters and God cares.
1 Kings 19:4-14 tells the story of the prophet Elijah, a man who served God in remarkable ways and God used him mightily. Elijah had just been at the center of one of God’s most epic displays of power, calling fire down from heaven among other things, (1 Kings 18:16-46) but within days, he went from the high of that experience to what I can only imagine was the depth of one of his lowest moments. He was coming from a once in a lifetime, literal mountaintop experience with God, only to descend to Jezreel (Valley) where he was overcome with fear for his life. After fleeing to the wilderness, Elijah sat down under a tree, prayed to die, and fell asleep.
God’s reaction to Elijah’s emotionally depleted state was not frustration, anger, or impatience. He didn’t scold Elijah or tell him to snap out of it. Instead, God responded by sending an angel to minister to him. Twice, the angel gave Elijah something to eat and drink, and he rested. God’s response to Elijah’s exhaustion, fear, and depression was compassion. He sent help in the form of an angel who tended to his most basic and immediate needs: eat, drink, rest, then move. Our circumstances always look worse when we’re hungry, thirsty, or tired, so it was only after Elijah ate, drank, and rested that God told him to move to the next place He prepared for him. Can I just ask, how could you not love a god who would show His love for you through a snack, a drink, and a nap? I mean, really. I digress.
If you’re struggling with a mental health issue, please be kind to yourself and tend to your own immediate and basic needs: eat, drink, rest, move. It’s pretty unlikely that you’ll have an angel bringing you food (unless that’s what you call the delivery person), so take it one step at a time. Do the best you can where you are right now, starting with getting help if you need it.
- Make and keep an appointment with a doctor or a therapist if you need to. If that’s too overwhelming to do alone, ask a family member or friend to help you find one or call 211, the United Way’s community resource line available in many communities. They can direct you to some mental health resources in your area. If you’re experiencing a mental health crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.
- Eat. Your mind, body, and soul need food to heal, so make sure that you’re eating healthy or healthy-adjacent food and feeding your soul by staying in the Word and in prayer every day.
- Drink. Our bodies and brains rely on water and don’t function as well when we’re dehydrated.
- Rest. Mental health issues can take a lot out of you physically, so be sure that you’re getting good sleep.
- Move. Rest is good, but too much rest isn’t helpful. Movement can help improve our mood and give our bodies an outlet for stress and anxiety. Sometimes a change in our surroundings changes our perspective.
It’s been said that great love and great pain are the paths God uses for transformation. Um, yes. So much yes. I’ve had some pretty breathtaking mountaintop experiences only to have my path lead me to valleys that took my breath away for different reasons. Obviously, my mountaintops and valleys were not nearly as dramatic and history-making as Elijah’s, but my life still has been marked both for better and for worse because of them. Unfortunately, it took 42 years of experiences before I learned to start looking for God’s fingerprints in midst of both the painful and the pleasurable circumstances rather than waiting for the benefit of hindsight. There are times that I see them in the moment, times when I still only see them when looking back, and times I don’t see them at all.
I’ve also learned that, just because I don’t understand my circumstances or see evidence of impending transformation, doesn’t mean it’s not there. There are things that we will never understand this side of heaven, but God and I have been through too much together for me to believe that He would waste anything that happens to me, although it’s still sometimes hard to believe in the moment. In those times when I’m overwhelmed or afraid, I’ve taught myself to pray (sometimes on repeat), “right here, right now, You are with me, and I’m ok.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to pray that to remind myself that He is with me in every situation, and He is working everything that happens to me for my good (Romans 8:28). If He is faithful to be present in my pain, then He’s faithful to be present in yours. If He’s been redeeming the hard and hurtful things that have happened to me, then He’s redeeming yours, too.
Tonight, I’m asking you to trust that. Trust that He sees you. Trust that He cares for you. Trust that He is at work on your behalf, even in what seems like His silence or His absence. Trust that someday it will all make sense, even if we can’t make sense of it now. Trust that He has sent this friend to tell you that right here, right now, He is with you, and, for right now, you’re ok.
If you’re in need of prayer, you are welcome to submit requests through the comments for others to pray as well or privately by emailing jenee@therescuedrebel.org.
Take good care of yourself,
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